| Muppets
found living in San Francisco |
| Kermit
the Frog was charged with
disturbing the peace, creating
public nuisance. |
|
A
routine investigation into an illicit
house of coke-snorting, bisexual neurotics
surprises police, neighbors.
By
STAFF REPORTER
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - America was
shocked today to learn that the Muppets,
those irresistible and irrepressible cloth-and-plastic
creatures who live in every child's heart
are, in fact, depraved and perverted twenty-something
hipsters living in San Francisco.
Long thought only to be the brainchild
of creator Jim Henson, it has now been
discovered that the Muppets are, indeed,
modeled on real human beings that have
been behaving in a way quite contrary
to their "family oriented" image.
Police made the discovery last night on
a routine investigation of a house in
the Outer Mission district. Responding
to a call from neighbors who said that
Kermit the Frog was living next door,
police broke in and discovered
not only Kermit, but the entire Muppet
gang taking part in a large orgy on the
living room floor.
Police arrested the occupant of the house,
41-year-old Percy Jackson, aka "Kermit,"
along with several of his Muppet cohorts
on charges of fraud and operating an illegal
house of shame.
Upon further investigation, police were
able to correctly identify the remaining
members of the Muppet gang: 27-year-old
Rebecca Carlson ("Miss Piggy"), 27-year-old
Johnny LaRue ("Gonzo"), 34-year-old
Miles Q. Long ("Fozie Bear"), and 26-year-old
Benjamin Lipschitz and his boyfriend, Benjamin ("Beaker"
and "Bunsen").
Police had trouble identifying the last
Muppet until SFPD Officer Tiffany Anderson
walked past the interrogation room, at
which point 26-year-old Dykey Rogers
was identified as "Animal" when she took
off down the hallway screaming, "Woman!
Woman!"
The Muppets are being kept in a big plastic
cage until their arraignment next month.
|
| Rohnert
Park woman arrested for trespassing
in husband's home |
| Police responding
to a 9-11 emergency call for
breaking and entering arrest
victim's wife, bust a dysfunctional
family operating out of S-Section.
|
By STAFF REPORTER
ROHNERT
PARK, CA
- A woman was arrested yesterday
in S-section for allegedly trespassing
in her husband's house. According
to her husband, who phoned in a
report to police yesterday night,
his wife was a vengeful, bitter,
and mentally unstable attention
hog that had been living unnecessarily
in his house for the last 15 years.
According
to police, who responded late yesterday
evening to the 9-11 call from a
man claiming he couldn't stand his
freeloading, evil shrew of a wife
any longer, the couple in question
(who wish to remain anonymous at
this time) had been living together
under a veil of hatred and animosity
for the past decade and a half.
Police found the man crying on the
floor, begging his wife to turn
off the VCR.
"The
whole house was very weird,"
said Rohnert Park Police Officer
George Melchor, "The wife was
sitting in the living room, eating
ribs, hogging all the attention
and dominating every conversation.
Apparently
the wife had decided she wanted
to watch the 1984 Jobeth Williams
starrer "American Dreamer"
and sing along to the French parts.
The husband snapped and called 9-11.
"I can't stand her anymore!"
the man screamed, "She wants
to watch this goddamn film every
fucking day, and it isn't even a
good movie!"
Neighbors
say the trouble started about 15
years ago when the husband had an
affair. The wife, angry but unwilling
to severe herself from her comfortable
lifestyle and free rent, denied
her husband a divorce and began
a passive-aggressive onslaught of
torture that nearly ripped the house
apart. "She turned the kids
against him," says Mary McGair,
neighbor to the couple for 20 years,
"She just sat around all day,
making snippy comments and barbed
remarks. The poor man had no choice
- he was trapped with the woman!
We never talked to her because she
speaks to everyone like they're
in the third grade."
Police
discovered two teenage boys locked
in an upstairs bedroom, and what
appeared to be a 28-year-old man
curled up in a fetal position on
the living room floor. When police
attempted to arrest the wife, the
man became violent and attacked
the officers, screaming, "Don't
touch my mommy!"
"That's
our son!" the husband explained
to police. "She's personally
stunted his growth! Now he is nothing
but an overgrown infant with self-esteem
problems. She should be locked up
and given shock treatment."
Police
removed the man and returned him
to his fetid apartment in San Francisco.
The teenage boys have been, at their
request, placed in foster homes.
"I've never seen two children
more relieved," remarked an
officer at the scene, "I think
they were afraid of turning out
like that thing on the floor. That
man-child."
The
woman was arrested on counts of
trespassing, child torturing, emotional
castration, passive-aggressive attention
hogging, bad cooking, and bad taste
in movies. She is being held without
bail.
|
|
|
|
| Woman
found dead, surrounded by cats |
Police dispersed a
swarm of bloodthirsty, vengeful cats this
morning only to discover the partially
eaten body of their former owner.
By STAFF REPORTER
|
| "They
were all content, licking their
lips and smirking." |
|
SEBASTOPOL, CA
-- A dead woman was discovered in a trash-
and animal feces-infested house early
Saturday morning in a grisly scene authorities
are calling the worst of its kind in years.
The occupant, who forensics estimate had
been dead for about four and a half months,
had been partially devoured by her pet
cats.
It began late Friday evening when police,
responding to reports from neighbors that
an even worse-than-usual odor was emanating
from the house, broke down the door.
"It looked like the place hadn't been
cleaned up in years!" said one police
officer, describing what he calls the
most horrendous scene he's ever encountered
in his 23 years on the force.
The house, authorities say, was completely
covered in trash from floor to ceiling.
Some rooms, according to investigators,
were carpeted in cat feces and empty Dominos
Pizza boxes.
"Furniture was piled up, the windows were
boarded up. This woman hadn't been anywhere
in a long time and didn't want to see
anyone."
It was in a back bedroom where police
discovered the badly decomposed, partially
eaten body of 55 year-old resident,
who neighbors say had begun a slow mental
breakdown shortly after she bought the
house in 1984.
"She
just kept getting more and more cats,"
explained Ann Lynch, who had been living
across the street since 1989. "Fewer and
fewer people came over, the cats started
piling up. I used to see her burying cats
in towels before she stopped coming outside
for good."
Apparently the woman was injured sometime
in late January when an industrial-sized
bag of cat litter fell off a high shelf
and landed on her. The cats did the rest.
Fueled by anger, hunger, and years of unrest,
the vengeful felines dug in, masticating
the screaming woman until she died from a combination
of blood loss and pain.
"It may be my imagination," began one
spectator, "but it almost looked like
them cats was proud of themselves. They
were all content, licking their lips and
smirking."
No funeral services are being held and
the body is being turned into cat food
to help pay off the woman's rather large
credit card debt.
|
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|
I
think that Zoli Marki would make a great
president of the United States. I agree
with Zoli
on so many different matters. I don't believe that anyone has asked
Zoli Marki about America's War on Terrorism yet.
I wonder if
Zoli Marki thinks Michael Jackson was framed? Somebody
told me that Zoli Marki was going to be the voice of the girl fish in "Finding Nemo," but when I watched it, it was that unpleasant lesbian, Ellen Degeneres.
Why doesn't the E! cable channel create a show around Zoli
Marki? They gave Anna Nicole Smith one!
I wonder where
Zoli Marki shops for clothes. There should
be more articles about Zoli in magazines.
Everybody should be grateful
to Zoli Marki's parents for bringing
her into the world.
If you don't agree with me on this, you
are weird. Some people don't care much for her,
but I think that they are nuts! Someone told me that Zoli Marki
really likes art. I love Zoli Marki.
Someone else once told me he thought
that Zoli Marki was overrated. I don't
care what people in the media say, goddamnit!
Glynis
Slappycakes - East London, RSA
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