Dear Flabby!

If life isn't going as expected, Flabby can help!
In the tradition of Miss America and Miss Universe, the Loser of the Year Award is based on a combination of looks, poise, talent, and the ability to give back to the community. Our losers do more than just wave and look pretty. They write advice columns! Feel free to write in with your questions or problems. Our losers have had every problem known to man, and continue to do so. This year we are proud to present Flabby, Steven Shelton himself from Walnut Creek, California. Flabby knows just about everything, and he's eaten just about everything. Steve doesn't have much to do as it is. How can he? He's basically a gigantic, pulsating blob of flesh that does nothing but quiver and bounce like a bowl of Jell-O.

Steve says,

"I love giving advice almost as much as I love eating sticks of butter with my bare hands! Send me your questions or problems!"
Loser of the Month's Email

Dear Flabby

Well I was drunk, and this guy was in the back seat and I had those provocative feelings. Well me and a friend of mine and THAT GUY was on our way to the club. We was going to pick him up when we got there had was kinda tipsy. Steve,THAT GUY, was acting extremely horny at both me and Jeremy. Steve came up to me and started to rub himself upon me, I tried to act like I was uncomfortable me he knows I like it, and I did. I think he really wants to fuck me... Before we got on the freeway Jeremy want to stop at a liquor store to get some bartle jaymes wine. After Jeremy left the car, Steve started to make a whole lot of passes at me, he rubbed his hand up my upper thigh until it reaches my crotch area and grabbed it and caressing it. I tried to play like I was uncomfortable but I ended up submitting myself to him, I letted him rub his hands all over my body I also wanted him to kiss me, i think he would, but he was in the front seat and I was in the back, if both of us was in the back seat i think our tongues would have been locked together. Jeremy was comming back and he stopped. On the way from fairfield to San Francisco, Steve was rubbing my ankle half the time . I think I would submit myself to any good looking guy who makes the first move. I know I would definelty submit to you, Loser.

Loser, I have a question, does that make me a hoe for enjoying to be touch and foundle from a guy I hardly know?

Anonymous in Bay Area, California

Dear Anonymous,

Your question is "Does it make me a hoe for enjoying being touched and fondled by a guy I hardly know?" The answer is: NO! Of course not! In fact, it's not even weird to imagine that you've been married for 10 years to a guy you hardly know! For instance, Mike Justice and I are soul mates. I'm convinced we were Anthony and Cleopatra in a past life. I don't care what he says, how many restraining orders he issues, or how many milligrams of Thorazine the Doctor is trying to make me take, it's true!

It must be nice having someone grab your crotch. I only know what it feels like to fondle my own double-D breasts and grab my own crotch with a sticky hand covered in peanut butter. You should try to sit together in the back seat next time. I wish I could do that, but unfortunately I can only fit in the back of a U-haul Truck and that's if nobody else is in there.

If you want my opinion you should can the Bartles and James and party with three jars of mayonnaise, a restaurant-sized barrell of Wesson Oil, and TWO straws--one for Jeremy, and one for you and Steve. It would be romantic, just like Lady and the Tramp!

Flabby

Dear Flabby,

hi steve, I have a question regarding internet relationships.

I have met the love of my life over the internet. We met about seven months ago. ever since I met this person, let's call him "mel", I have spent almost ever waking hour "right-clicking" on mel's webpage pictures, downloading them to a folder called "mel", and printing them out and making screensavers with them. I have made several scrapbooks (digital AND real ones!) of these downloaded pictures, and I even put in an order to have one turned into a photo-mug through some online promotional/gift company for only $26.95! although I have never chatted with mel on the phone, or even chatted using instant messenger, he has answered some of my emails and he signed them "love", so I guess I am pretty certain that he and I are going to someday live together and raise pets and all that. I've already stopped looking at personal ads online because I am sure that what mel and I have together is all I have dreamed for!

I've pretty much been locked in the house for the last seven months with my computer manipulating my web-downloaded pics of mel and printing them out in various sizes, so i guess what my question is this: Do you think it is time for me to go out and meet real people in person (just as friends, of course, silly!) or would that be cheating on my boyfriend mel? I just don't want to do the wrong thing and mess up this wonderful romance I've created for myself.

Thank you for your thoughts.

steve j.

Dear steve j,

Are you crazy? If you go out and meet people in person they're gonna see how fat your are! They'll see that you're not even the slightest bit good looking and that you stink like the 34 lbs. of pork chops you cooked last Tuesday and have been gnawing on all week! Er, waitÖ. Maybe I'm just thinking of myself in that scenarioÖ

Okay, here's the deal. Yes, by all means go out and meet peopleÖ BUT, only meet people that you know Mel chats with online. That way, when you hang out with these people, you can talk endlessly about Mel, tell them relentlessly how much you like Mel, and how much you want to have sex with Mel. He'll think very highly of you when he finds out his cool, hip internet chatroom friends have accepted you into the clique. Unfortunately, like me, you could never hope to influence any of his "offline" friends. Those kinds of friends aren't worth having! They have nothing better to do than work full-time, go to school, pursue hobbies, get fresh air and exercise, interact socially, and maybe, MAYBE check their email once a week to see if their friends in foreign countries have written them. If Mel doesn't have any cool, hip, good-looking internet chatroom friends, and he only has "offline" friends, then the man is as worthless and useless as a plate of steamed vegetables and brown rice! Keep up the eternal quest for a real man, a good man, a man who won't press charges! Some day I'll find a man who appreciates pus-oozing whiteheads and the smell associated with people who don't "wipe" adequately after going to the bathroom. You will too, my friend, you will too.

Flabby

"I love answering questions almost as much as I love having this IV filled with mayonnaise permanantly attached to my arm!"

E-mail to Flabby

Disclaimer: The Loser of the Year Award is not just handed out to anyone. Steve had to EARN this title. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and Steve had to relinquish his crown on January 1, 2000. However, he is still fully qualified to answer any questions you may have regarding problems of any kind. As mentioned earlier, Steve has had every single problem ever known to man.