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Seattle is a grimy and depressing city
with a surprisingly clean subway system.
Someone happened to piss right where I put
my hand but the floors weren't sticky at all.

I happened to come upon a group of cops trying
to harass a group of hippies into revealing how
they cause rain with their "negro-centric" dancing.
The newspapers said it had something to do with
WTO but I have the real story!

Puget Sound is remarkably beautiful if you
dig that grey, lifeless, windblown, Finland look.
It is a known fact that 89% of Seattle's population
is on pills and 78% attempt suicide once a year.
Pioneer Square in Seattle is different than
the one in Portland. For instance, the one
in Portland doesn't have toothless drug
addicts shooting up on the street while
asking where the nearest SSI office is "at."

Capitol Hill is where the gays hang out.
It's a well-known fact that gays in Seattle
are twice as neurotic as the average gay
because of depression caused by the
lack of crystal meth and cold weather which
prevents the gay male from doffing his shirt at a
moment's notice as they so like to do.

Pike Place Market is where they throw fish.
It's also where Chinese people come to sell
their rice candy and paper fans and that other
stuff that Chinese people so love to sell.

Downtown Seattle is where the first Starbuck's
Coffee was opened back in 1988. Now, there
is one on every corner, my favorite being the one
staffed by the flaming gay black man who, when I
said I wanted size "large," bit his pinky finger and
said, "Ooh, girl, this one has no shame!"

This poor hippie was beated severely when
when he was caught dancing to raggae music.
The police accused him of being a witch doctor and
jailed him for "practicing the black arts."


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